Welcome to My Reality

Lost in Life

2009-03-14T21:14:00.000-07:00

Life has mysterious ways of not only catching up to you but also smacking you straight across the face. It doesn’t matter what you do to deny or avoid reality; it stares you in the eyes, screaming, and haunts you until you finally do something about it. Still, we continue our antics until the disappointment becomes unbearable. But at what point does that realization surface? When do you yield and accept your fate? Better yet, what do you do about it? I’ve sat here for the past 3 months struck with dumbfoundedness. I thought that after graduating college, I’d set off on my own career and convinced myself I was heading in the right direction. I even landed two internships where I worked my bum off simply trying to get my foot in the door. Well, they chopped off my toes as they shut that door in my face when I left those internships. Since then I’ve been endlessly and tirelessly searching for a job and coming up with numerous and empty ideas to build my own career. I’m stuck in limbo running in circles with two left feet trying to find some ground, some glimpse of hope. Perhaps it’s the economy. Perhaps it’s the particular category I’m looking for in starting a career. But that just points straight back to the lacking economy. I know blaming the economy is not going to change circumstances either. Sometimes it’s just easier to think of outside forces intercepting your fate. Anything at this point would be a miracle. I’m at a complete loss at what to do and where to go now. I know what I’m good at and I know what I’m capable of but I dislike that bullshitting game the world plays with you. I’m tired of questioning myself. I’m exhausted from running in circles. I’m dizzy from thinking I made certain mistakes. If only the answers could appear when you needed them most. The simple reality is that I’ve been running from past mistakes and not taking enough control of the one aspect of my life that matters the most right now. I just have no clue as to how to get things in motion without feeling like a complete and utter failure. I can’t accept this. I’m very aware of that but I’m lacking some creative outlet in stimulating some motion. I guess if I sit here for a little while longer something will click. Once again, I’ve been thrown a curve ball without the one device I need to knock it out of my life- a bat. I just have to hold on to the hope and the drive that things will work out sooner than later. That’s all we have in this life. We need to use them well.

Cute Outfits

2009-01-22T14:46:00.000-08:00

I just couldn't help myself so I'm going to post these on here. I love these actresses and I LOVE their style even more! Kate Hudson is one of my favorites because she takes chances. She's not afraid to stand out and even though a few of her outfits have gotten flack recently, I love them! So here you are...

Grey's Anatomy Gone Too Far

2008-12-10T14:38:00.000-08:00

Since I'm going to change the whole topic of this blog, I'm thinking I'm gonna need to do a crossover. I have to come up with a clever and catchy blog name and make it look pretty. I know no one wants to hear people drone on and on about their lives... it's boring and let's face it, who cares? So I don't think the name of this blog is right for talking about other things than myself. Hmmm.
Anyone have any ideas? Pitch them to me and hopefully I'll be able to get the ball rolling on a new one. Until then, I'll continue my stuff on here.

Well, since tomorrow is Thursday and therefore dubbed Grey's Anatomy night, I thought I'd ask for your opinions on this season thus far. Any comments, questions or concerns about it? Have you lost interest? Do you keep watching every week hoping for some story changes?

I personally think this season is pitiful. I used to get so excited for Thursday to roll around for the next episode and now I just don't really care for Thursday night unless there's a good football game on. I don't like the whole Izzie sleeping with her ghost has-been fiance. It's creepy, totally unrealistic and just so out there it shouldn't have been made up at all. I'm hoping they're leading to her joining Denny in heaven finally so we can move on the show without her squeeling and crying every episode. That or just diagnose her with some mental problem and put her in a straight jacket. I'm tired of her! Please tell me I'm not the only one??
Then there's George. What happened to his character? I love him! And he is so awesome and loveable and yet he's not getting any quality air time. The focus is not on him at all. Where'd he go? Bring him back!

So that's my rant about this show gone sour. It's so disappointing. Now the only day I really look forward to are Mondays for Gossip Girl. Who's with me on this one? Don't you LOVE this show?

New Years Resolutions

2008-12-08T11:51:00.000-08:00

Has anyone come up with their NY Resolutions yet? Even if your list isn't finalized, what do you have in mind? Do you think you'll stick to them? Or what usually happens?

I know for me I'll make resolutions and generally complete or almost fulfill one of them. It's so true that old habits die hard. But maybe we're all going about changing in a wrong way. Maybe our goals are set too high. Perhaps we need to make little goals in between. You know, take baby steps. Or maybe we just need to shorten our lists to 3 things and work on them. We do have a lifetime to do things differently after all. We're not superheroes either so so what if we don't complete all 15 resolutions on our list for 2009? Chances are no one has.

I found my list from last year... and let's just say I completed like 2 of them.

1. Make more money than I spend and save it (yah that's kinda hard to do as a student with too much on their plate)
2. Maintain a 3.5 GPA (Check)
3. Go somewhere I've never been/Do something I've never done (hmm.. don't think I managed this one)
4. Draw out/finalize business plan (I drew it out but still haven't finalized it :/)
5. Sculpt out my six pack (or lack thereof) - yah, still working on that one unfortunately... but least I'm staying in shape! yay
6. Accomplish something new each month (hmm.. don't think I did this one either)
7. Eat healthier more often (check)
8. Break at least 2 old habits (I am pretty sure I forgot about this one haha)

So that was my list for last year... Do you ever look back at your New Years Resolutions? If you do, do you keep it for the next year to work on or do you make changes to it?

This is my rough draft NYR for the coming year
1. Pay off credit card bill
2. Donate old crap (clothes, DVDs, etc) that I haven't used but try to convince myself I will someday
3. Take a trip to some place I've never been
4. Immerse myself in the LA lifestyle (I'm curious to meet ppl and understand the culture here)
5. Make at least 5 major successes in my career (get a big account, have a successful event, etc)

I'll think of more later... but I want to know what your NYRs are so have fun with them and don't be hesitant to share

Xmas Holiday Crunch

2008-12-05T16:32:00.000-08:00

In the spirit of Christmas I thought I'd write a post on that. What I want to know is what are people planning for this Christmas. What are you going to spend your money on? Who will it be spent on? Are you cutting back or are you going to spend about the same amount of money as past years? Are you going to have Christmas parties? Are you still going to ask family and friends for gifts? What are you asking for? Are they geared more to what you NEED than what you want? You catch my drift.

We are all aware that tough economic times are upon us and it is effecting literally everyone. I know I was going to ask for 2 things but now I'm just not going to ask anyone for anything because I know I wont be spending anything on anyone so I shouldn't expect anything from anyone either. I'll be turning my kitchen into a mini bakery and will be giving people cookies and pies. I will probably also make my own Christmas cards.

New Years wont be much better. In past years I have celebrated with a group of friends in SF where we each pitch in $150 for hotel and then buy tickets to a sweet party... This year I will be at home while my friends are celebrating in Vegas. They are trying to guilt trip me into going but they don't understand that I have no money for it and I'm not about to go beg my dad to help me go party in Vegas on New Years... That's ridiculous. So how will you spend your New Years?

Topics

2008-12-03T13:12:00.000-08:00

I really think I'm not made to blog. I follow a few daily and it is a job in itself. I just don't have the time to dedicate every single day to write something. I don't even think anyone's reading this to be quite honest. I have rarely made new posts and the ones I do have are few and far between. I keep saying I'm going to try and yet I can't make myself do it. There are topics that come up in my mind that I feel like writing about but when I finally get around to actually write about them I lose interest. Maybe not so much interest as my mojo or motivating factor for writing about it is gone.. I guess if I want to feel somewhat productive I'll have to force myself to write about something.

I just feel like there are so many blogs out there that cover the same topic in every way possible and it just ruins everything. The topic becomes overdone and watered down. What becomes the point then of yet another person writing about it? I need something innovative to write about that people are interested in. That would motivate me to come on here every day and blog. If anyone reads this at all or comes across this give me some ideas please.

Is it the side of politics that no one covers but everyone wonders about?

Our obsession with celebs and at what cost our "must know" attitude will take? (paparazzis, etc).
Advertising- has it gone too far? Are they causing headaches?

Fashion- Who says what's the next trend? Why do we follow it? Are we slaves to it?

Travel- Every holiday, every spring/summer season mags and newspapers give you the same "where to go" places you see time and again. Who wants something new that's not overpopulated? or places that rarely get mentioned but are diamonds in the rough?

Education- Where is our society taking this? I really don't think this topic is covered enough nor are the real issues dissected. Yes, we know books are expensive.. but why? Yes, we know tuition is going up, but why? What is the purpose of this or that? (tests, applications, etc) What really are they looking for in a prospective student? How do you know what will be best for you? (many mags cover these questions but they tell you what you want to hear and what colleges allow them to say)

Sports- the scandals, the over paid players, the aggressive fans.. what has this pasttime become?

Reading- Everyone has a book now.. there are far too many generic, mindless books out there along with the how-to's and diet fad books as opposed to books with real substance. Has this become a business like that of movies and retail?

Technology- is it really benefiting us? or is it making us more stupid and dependent? Texting has destroyed grammar and spelling. People speak in abbreviations now. We're tied to our phones as if death would happen were we to turn them off. Are we alienating ourselves from the world or are we uniting ourselves with the world through technology?

You catch my drift.. I'll just start with something and see how it is received I guess...

Time to break away from cell phone dependence

2008-04-25T00:01:00.000-07:00

I wish I had something profound to say. In the past, I've been known to talk about important issues or philosophize about random things. There have been times where I'll be thinking about something and consider writing about it on here and then the moment will pass before I can get to my computer. Sure, the thoughts will still be swimming around in my head but I just don't feel like blogging about it anymore. I guess the initial brilliant feeling fades quickly and then it just feels like another thought among the masses.

I must say that I am happy to get out of town this weekend. I'm tired of dealing with stupid drama. I feel like everyone's stressed out this quarter. I don't know why- it's only week 4. I know midterms are coming up but they are no reason to bite someones head off. Getting away will be good for me to simply relax. I can even turn my phone on silent or something and not feel guilty about it because it will be a mini vacation. I don't understand our dependence on our cell phones. I see people talking on their phones practically all day and in the most inappropriate moments. The other day I saw a woman speaking on her phone during lunch with her husband. She was on the phone for like 15 mins and I sat there watching her in awe. Why can't we just detach ourselves from our phones for at least an hour a day? I mean are those phone calls really that important to have during lunch with your significant other? At least excuse yourself from the table! *sigh* maybe it's just me but I find it rude when people answer their phones at the table. It's your time to actually have human interaction and enjoy being with someone in person and eat, not reattach your ear to your piece of technology. When will this phase end? We crave intimacy whether it be closeness with a dear friend or a significant other and yet we detach ourselves from the very thing we seek. It's counterproductive. No wonder so many people are unhappy with their lives... they make terrible decisions without realizing it.

Enough ranting.. I think it's time for bed.

Tough Girl

2008-04-20T19:23:00.000-07:00

This weekend was interesting. Friday night I went to a foam party which was actually a lot of fun until I cut my foot on broken glass (you couldn't see it cuz the foam covered it). Luckily enough for me a british medic happened to be at the party and fixed my foot :) haha gotta love the foreign accents. So he fixed me up and I went back into the foam avoiding the spot with the broken glass. Saturday we had a soccer tournament and although we didn't do too great it was still fun to get out there and play. I got sandwiched by two ginormous girls and yet still managed to take em both down. That was my highlight of the day haha. Amazingly, I played well with my gimpy foot. But I managed to leave the field with a bruised eye because some girl half punched me in the face. I forgot how vicious girls get in this sport. Let's just say I haven't played soccer since I was 15 years old. I'm gonna stick with volleyball and softball from now on. I don't want my eye taken out or my leg broken haha so I'm gonna play it safe. So even though my whole body hurts and I have several battlewounds, overall I had a blast this weekend! I actually feel pretty badass right now to be frank haha.

Anyways, I've done some job searching and I've found some potential places. Now I just have to get my resume polished and e-mail/call these companies up and see if they have job openings. *crosses fingers* I hope I get lucky and find somewhere soon. School will be over soon and then wow I dunno what I'll do if I don't find a place. Sometimes I don't feel like I'm ready for the real world but then I really think about it and I can't wait to meet my potential and go beyond it. Also, making money will be nice. Right now I have a credit card bill that is killing me. *sigh* I just want to be in the working world and be a real adult. As much as I'm going to miss school here, I'm done with the learning in an academic setting. I'm ready to learn hands on and be under pressure with project deadlines and coming up with cool ideas that will blow my bosses away. :) Ok, I'm done babbling now.

Btw, Oakland won today! Woo! oh and they wont be moving to Fremont until 2012 so that gives them 3 extra years in oakland (where they belong!) so yay :)

That's all for now.

Life on the Fast Track

2008-04-14T14:34:00.000-07:00

I've been trying to prepare myself for the working world and I honestly don't know what I'm doing. I've done a lot of research trying to find companies where I could start at the bottom of the food chain and work my way up but I really feel that I'm behind in everything. Most companies want experience... well since I recently changed my major (last year) and I've been taking on too many units plus holding a chair in my sorority... I haven't exactly had much time to think about working. Besides, I'm in SB. There are virtually no PR firms in the genre I'm looking for up here. It's all medical businesses really. *sigh* so I'm left with no experience in actual companies to start off when I graduate. This should be fun. I hope I find some place that will give me the opportunity to prove myself. I know I learn very quickly and can multitask like crazy. I work hard and seldom complain about anything. If someone gives me a project, I do it without question. I know I can work my way up from say getting people's coffee orders and answering phone calls. If that is where I have to start out. I just am not sure if I'll find anyplace since the working world is so competitive right now. I guess I'll just have to get my name out there and be persistent. I hope I find something that resonates well with me. Wish me luck! I need it :/

On that note, this quarter has started off with a bang. There's been plenty of drama circling around and it's only the beginning of week 3! Unfortunately, I've gotten involved in some of it but what can you do right? I must say I've been rendered speechless a few times because I just don't understand what exactly some people are thinking. I'm not even sure if they were thinking. There's just one thing that's been bothering me for the past few days. I hate to complain about it but sometimes this girl just irritates the hell out of me. Here's my stupid drama story:
So my big and I butt heads all the time. Sometimes I wonder how we exactly got matched up at all. We are COMPLETE opposites. At least I can say I've learned a lot... but she completely disrespects me at times and I'm sick and tired of telling her to think before she acts or says things. For example, one time she called me a cunt... and i was like wtf? why would you say that? ... to ANYONE?! But I digress... On saturday we had a HUGE volleyball tournament which we've been practicing for for quite some time. Last week on wednesday we had practice and my big shows up late (again) and in a bitchy mood. I told her some of the guys next door were coming to scrimmage with us so we could get better practice and she just said "F this i'm not playing when they come." I told her that this was part of our practice and if she wanted to play saturday she had to stay. (I mean really you can't just bail like that. That is not teamwork.) So she just walked away and I just said whatever she doesn't care enough. Then later she told me she was getting sick so she wouldn't be playing saturday and to get someone to fill her spot. So, I started thinking of who could cover for her. Well, that night (even though she was "sick") she went out with some girls and partied... then the next night she did the same thing. Then friday we had one more practice and she told me she was going to urgent care because she wasn't feeling well. By this time I had already found her replacement so I didn't care. Yet, later that night I was out with some friends at a party and guess who shows up... my big! I flipped out. Seeing her out that night and for the 3rd night in a row gave me the impression that she a) was feeling alright and b) she really didn't care about the tournament. I'm telling you if this was an actual club team and my coach saw me out the night before a tournament after telling her I was sick, I'd be kicked off the team before i could even apologize for being stupid. Then the next morning before our first game she shows up and asks me why she wasn't playing... ???? I couldn't even say a word. I was absolutely in shock that she had the nerve to say that. Then she preceded to get pissed at me and didn't say a word for the rest of the day... in fact, I still haven't heard a word from her. Really, she has no right to be angry with me after her behavior. She lied to me several times, gave me attitude about practices, showed up late during every practice, actually told me she wasn't playing, and went out all week when she claimed to be ill. Oh and by the way I heard from people she went out friday and saturday night as well. So much for being sick. The least she could have done was support my decision as head of this philanthropy chair and as her little. It's not like I told her she couldn't play because I was mad at her. That was not the case. I was being diplomatic thinking about the team as a whole. Also, I believe I made the right decision based on the above occurrences.

Anyways, so that is my story about some drama. In hindsight it's stupid but I just hate liars. and I hate lazy people. There is nothing respectable about those qualities. If you can call them that. It's disrespectful and obnoxious. But I shall end my dramafest reflections for now. I'm sure there will be plenty more to come seeing as how we have a soccer tournament this coming weekend and a relay week the week after. Oh, I will have lots of fun :)

I must say that I volunteered for the Teddy Bear Cancer Foundation yesterday and had a blast. It was family fun day to raise money and it was up at a ranch in SB. The kids were adorable and everyone had a blast. I hope I can do that again soon. I really enjoyed allowing these kids to forget about their troubles and have fun for a day.

Time to be productive again.

Beside Myself

2008-03-29T12:29:00.000-07:00

My life got carried away this quarter. I started procrastinating early on because I just didn't like the classes I was taking and it eventually came back to bite me in the bum. I still managed to pull off good grades last quarter though I really don't know how I did it. The last couple of weeks of the quarter I did nothing but catch up work. I had papers up my butt and readings to do that no one thought I could actually get through. Well, I managed to do it all. Yay. That stress is over though so hopefully I'll have more time to actually sit down and bitch about things no one else really cares about.

On to the juicy stuff though. The last week and a half of the quarter were terrible for me. And this is beyond inner school stuff. I found out that my ex started dating this other girl. Worse yet he was set up... by one of our mutual friends! and even more mind blowing is that he started seeing her before we officially ended things. I was completely beside myself. I felt like I got hit by a massive semi and then backed over again. I confronted him about it and he denied he was dating this girl. He said they have been "hanging out" and that is all. Well, I did not believe it so I did what I had to do and found the information that I needed. I found out from an anonymous and close source that he was set up with her by this mutual friend and that he was quoted saying things like "thank you for setting us up, I'm so happy with her" "we're going really well thank you so much!" "I've never felt this way about anyone before" etc etc. He met her parents last weekend too. I was supposed to go down to LA before I went to San Diego and I was like oh how bout we hang out on saturday. He told me he had to work. Turns out he was meeting her parents. I confronted him several times and he told me he wasn't dating her. So my question is... how are you not dating someone when you call them pet names? How are you not dating someone when you say things like "thanks for setting us up" and "we're going really well" and "I've never felt this way about someone before"? Oh and not to mention the fact that he met the parents within a month... oh and he took her to a baseball game last night and sat in some expensive seats... oh and he told me he kissed her too.

This is all so fast. How could he move on like this after 5 years? How could he do this to me? How could he say that he's never felt that way about anyone before when I know he was in love with me? Is she just a rebound? Is he just in need of being with someone because he doesn't want to feel the pain of us not working out? I don't think I'll ever find out the real reasons why... and I really wish someone (preferably him) would tell me. He still denies that he is dating her to this very day. But I'm not stupid. I see the signs. I know. and it hurts me more than words can tell. When I found out all of this information I literally went comatose for a day. I couldn't do anything. I just couldn't function. All I could do was clean. and even then the thoughts were driving me mad. I know we aren't together anymore but he shouldn't be moving on so fast. Not after 5 years. I haven't been sleeping well lately either. I get woken up early in the morning from nightmares of this girl being with him. Every day I am haunted by the thought of him with her. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to divert my thoughts to other things but I can't. I keep coming back to the same horrifyingly depressing images of them and thoughts of them together. And yet there is nothing I can do.

I don't think I've ever in my life cried so much as I have in the last 2 weeks. My whole spring break has been busted because of him. My life has abruptly been turned upside down and drowned because of this. I'm a complete mess. I can't sleep. I can't think straight. Infact, I can't think about anything but about this. I can't even eat now. I try and then I feel nauseous and then I stop. My eyes are swollen from crying so much. My brain hurts and my heart has burst. It's more than broken. It's dead.

I've tried to explain to him why I'm bothered by this but he's persistent in moving on. I don't think he wants to admit to himself that he's hurting me immensely. He claims he doesn't want to but by lying to me and moving on so fast, he is killing me. Worse, he's torturing me. I don't like not being able to sleep. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like him dating her and I've told him that. It's futile though. He will continue to see her and my biggest fear is that he'll fall in love with her and forget about everything he had with me. I'm afraid I'll lose him as not only the only guy i've ever loved but as my best friend in the world. I don't think I can be friends with him right now. It just hurts too much but losing my best friend will make it even worse. I'm stuck in this black whole with no direction. I'm at a complete loss of everything; never felt so low. And what bothers me most is if he just admitted to himself and to me that he is dating this girl than I'd be more prepared to let it go. The fact he's hiding this from me and possibly from himself is so uncharacteristic.

I know I can't control him or stop him from what he's doing but I feel like it's all wrong. I just want to erase my memory at this point. I just want it gone so I wont feel the things i'm feeling or think about him with her or dream about him with her. I want to sleep. I want to eat. and I want to be free from the constant haunting of being immediately replaced by some stupid girl. I feel like maybe he never really loved me if this is what he is doing. But I look in his eyes and I know he does. Unless he's just extremely good at giving those looks but I know him. I know his eyes do not lie. I just don't want that look to be given to her at any point in time.

I just want the truth so I can be free. I want my life back. and even though I want him back I just want him to give me myself back. I'm at a loss of what to say anymore.

My Weekend

2008-02-24T19:33:00.000-08:00

Overall, this weekend went pretty well. There were a few minor setbacks but they were nothing I couldn't handle. Unfortunately, about an hour ago I was looking around on my recent ex's facebook and saw him in pictures all over this one girl and my heart dropped. Moving on this fast? I don't understand. It tears me up seeing those pictures displayed there for me to see. I can't take it. It feels like an insult to everything we were. I don't know what else to say about that.

On a more happy note we got 3rd place in the softball tournament and we, overall, kicked ass. Now we're all extremely sore from playing all day haha. I really don't know how we made it out last night... we went to a friends birthday bash and a Mardi Gras party. There was a really hot guy there that we were drooling over haha. No joke this guy looked like Channing Tatum but we just wanted to have a fun girls night out. Anyway, that's my weekend in a nutshell and I'm too tired to write more.

Until next time,
Stephy

Back to freedom?

2008-02-18T22:45:00.000-08:00

Well, it is officially over between us. I don't understand my reaction to this breakup right now. I thought I would be sobbing but instead my tearducts are completely dry. What is wrong with me? I feel exactly the same as when I heard my sister died. No tears. Just stare straight ahead like a deer in the headlights. I feel like I should be feeling something. Some sort of devastation but I feel nothing. I'm dead inside and I don't understand. I keep thinking that I'm reacting in this way because I expected this to happen. But that just doesn't make sense either. I definately don't feel any shock. I knew this was coming I just didn't think it would be today. I wanted this week to be a good week. Last week was bad and now I get to endure one that is worse. Thank god I have a softball game coming up on saturday so I can take my emotions out then. I have a paper due tomorrow, which I haven't started and now I can't possibly concentrate. I just want to get in the bathtub and drown my sorrows. I want to sit there and feel nothing. Think nothing. Say nothing. Do nothing. Nothing.

But life doesn't work like that. I can't try to force my life to take a pause because there are no such things in life. It keeps going and it will force me to keep going. I know this is not the end of the world but it is the end of my world. The second ending to my little pathetic life. 5 years with one guy and just when you think you're getting closer to that next step you take 4 back. Maybe I set myself up for this. Maybe I knew all along it couldn't last like this. I can't allow myself to admit something that seems so false. It was real. He was my best friend and was there for me when I needed someone. We had fun and I thought we had a future. Funny how things work out isn't it? Nothing is for sure. I am officially back in the single world and I have no clue. I am lost. And I know I will get back on my feet... I know I will but I wont be able to handle him dating another girl when that happens. It will just break my heart into more pieces.

I have no other thoughts.

Stephy

I've been floating in a haze

2008-02-17T18:54:00.000-08:00

I was thinking the other night that I needed to get some things off my chest but I couldn't think of how to do that. I completely forgot that I set this up and I never use Xanga anymore so I was going crazy. I knew I couldn't post most of my thoughts on my myspace blog because they would read it and interpret my thoughts wrong or connect things to them that have nothing to do with them. Plus, I rarely use myspace so I had nothing. I try to write things out on word or on paper but they get lost and then there is no point in having written anything. I need to be better about writing more often. I used to do it all the time and then my life swept me away and I lost track of some things I enjoyed doing.

Now, with that in mind... on to getting stuff off my chest.

This past school year has been bittersweet. Everything has changed and I definately feel it has in a very positive way but unfortunately, it comes with a price. The guy i've been dating for 5 years now is slipping through my fingers. He has now graduated from college and is working full time in LA while I'm in SB struggling to finish school and find a straight path in my life where I will land on my feet instead of on my face. I don't know what I want to do after I graduate. I have no job or money right now so I'll most likely be moving back home to the bay area while he continues to work in LA. I just don't see how it is going to work with us and it hurts because I don't want to end things but I feel like I have to because it makes the most sense. We barely see each other as it is so once I go back home... it will be less likely that I'll see him even once a month. Besides, I'm tired of the fighting and the wierd grey area between us. Right now, I don't feel like we're a couple because he wont come visit me and expects me to come to LA on weekends. Then on my birthday instead of calling to say happy birthday he called to say he didn't get me anything... umm thanks. So in my mind, it's over it just hasn't been declared verbally. This sucks. I wont find anyone like him again and it just can't work right now. It makes my life stressful knowing i'll be thrown out in the dating world not knowing the rules.

Ironically, I live in SB where people don't date they fuck each other and move on to their next drunken conquest. I've never been into this lifestyle and I find it an odd way of living but whatever floats their boat. I guess I wont have to worry about finding a date cuz so far, only one of my friends has dated a guy and that did not last long unfortunately. It makes it worse that there are so many good looking guys and they could care less about who you are. All they care about is if you're cute enough and easy enough to give them what they want that night. It's annoying really. I keep asking myself if this really fulfills these people and I always come to the conclusion that there is no way they are happy like this. Sure, the guys can brag about the number of chicks they've scored with that year but that is a small compensation for ending up lonely every week. Maybe I'm too different to comprehend this type of atmosphere but I find it to be very immature and self-destructive. When I meet a guy I like to pick apart his brain and see who he is and if we have anything in common. I'm not gonna lie and say I wouldn't make out with him but I'm not into meeting people, holding a conversation just for the sake of hooking someone in and pretending to be interested in who you are just to get laid. It's counterintuitive. Why bother talking for those 15 minutes if it's a big waste of time?

One last thing that has irritated my lately is competitive people. It's one thing to be competitive in sports or boardgames and it's another to be competitive with your friends regarding everything else. Take my situation for example; I have been planning this "party" for my sorority for about a month now and two weeks ago at meeting this girl makes an announcement about her party (which is the same as mine! but changing the date). Everyone looked around confused because they knew I had been planning something and a few actually said something. I was livid because she knew as well so I don't know why she bothered. Anyway, I talked with her and I thought we cleared things up because she told me she would back off. Oh was I wrong. A few days ago she sent out an e-mail about the party and I flipped out. I have been putting all of my energy into this project and she's trying to destroy it. I called my friend who has been helping me all along and she told me some things that just made me fume more. This bitch (not my friend) has been going behind our backs and telling everyone about her party and trying to convince them that hers will be better. I talked to her with gritted teeth and asked her what the hell she was doing. At this point I don't want to fight because I've been sick and it's just not worth it. She is trying to divide our sorority and I wont let that happen because I'm not into that. If she desperately wants everyone to like her this is not the way to do it but I wont cause tension in the house and I wont perpetuate a divide. She just lost a few sisters and all respect from us though. I was warned by some people about her but I really did not think she would start shit with her sisters like this. She's being really shady and disrespectful and I don't handle that well. But I will say she messed with the wrong person. Because I don't let people get away with stuff like this.

Anyway that is my rant. Usually I am more upbeat instead of bitching about stupid problems that are so miniscule to life's more important issues but I needed to get this out...

Until next time.
Stephy

How do you know?

2006-11-12T21:10:00.000-08:00

I thought I knew what I wanted to do with my life. I committed myself to a certain major that I am currently doubting. How can you go from being so determined to go in one direction to slowly drifting off into the unknown?

For three years now, I have worked hard to getting to where I am at now. I convinced myself that I wanted to be a doctor and that I wanted to major in biopsychology. I improved my grades and transfered to a UC and now I am freaking myself out that it's not right. Was I going this way for the wrong reasons? Was I ever really that into being a science major?

I have always been told that I am a good writer. I always brushed that off which is another reason I never considered to major in literature. I like writing. I know I'm good at it and it has also been my therapy. I'm a creative, visual person and I've let that go. I've ignored it and pushed it out of my life. I'm just stuck in a rut right now and I don't know what exactly is the right decision for me. I don't know what to do with my life. If I ultimately decide to be a lit major I'd need to transfer out of this university... yet again pushing my life back. But what if I get there and decide I made a mistake?

This seems so juvenile. There are so many other dire problems out there... I just don't like being confused and lost in life. I've always known I wanted to go in certain directions... now I'm not so sure.