Lost in Life

Life has mysterious ways of not only catching up to you but also smacking you straight across the face. It doesn’t matter what you do to deny or avoid reality; it stares you in the eyes, screaming, and haunts you until you finally do something about it. Still, we continue our antics until the disappointment becomes unbearable. But at what point does that realization surface? When do you yield and accept your fate? Better yet, what do you do about it? I’ve sat here for the past 3 months struck with dumbfoundedness. I thought that after graduating college, I’d set off on my own career and convinced myself I was heading in the right direction. I even landed two internships where I worked my bum off simply trying to get my foot in the door. Well, they chopped off my toes as they shut that door in my face when I left those internships. Since then I’ve been endlessly and tirelessly searching for a job and coming up with numerous and empty ideas to build my own career. I’m stuck in limbo running in circles with two left feet trying to find some ground, some glimpse of hope. Perhaps it’s the economy. Perhaps it’s the particular category I’m looking for in starting a career. But that just points straight back to the lacking economy. I know blaming the economy is not going to change circumstances either. Sometimes it’s just easier to think of outside forces intercepting your fate. Anything at this point would be a miracle. I’m at a complete loss at what to do and where to go now. I know what I’m good at and I know what I’m capable of but I dislike that bullshitting game the world plays with you. I’m tired of questioning myself. I’m exhausted from running in circles. I’m dizzy from thinking I made certain mistakes. If only the answers could appear when you needed them most. The simple reality is that I’ve been running from past mistakes and not taking enough control of the one aspect of my life that matters the most right now. I just have no clue as to how to get things in motion without feeling like a complete and utter failure. I can’t accept this. I’m very aware of that but I’m lacking some creative outlet in stimulating some motion. I guess if I sit here for a little while longer something will click. Once again, I’ve been thrown a curve ball without the one device I need to knock it out of my life- a bat. I just have to hold on to the hope and the drive that things will work out sooner than later. That’s all we have in this life. We need to use them well.