Overall, this weekend went pretty well. There were a few minor setbacks but they were nothing I couldn't handle. Unfortunately, about an hour ago I was looking around on my recent ex's facebook and saw him in pictures all over this one girl and my heart dropped. Moving on this fast? I don't understand. It tears me up seeing those pictures displayed there for me to see. I can't take it. It feels like an insult to everything we were. I don't know what else to say about that.
On a more happy note we got 3rd place in the softball tournament and we, overall, kicked ass. Now we're all extremely sore from playing all day haha. I really don't know how we made it out last night... we went to a friends birthday bash and a Mardi Gras party. There was a really hot guy there that we were drooling over haha. No joke this guy looked like Channing Tatum but we just wanted to have a fun girls night out. Anyway, that's my weekend in a nutshell and I'm too tired to write more.
Until next time,
Stephy
Sunday, February 24, 2008
Monday, February 18, 2008
Back to freedom?
Well, it is officially over between us. I don't understand my reaction to this breakup right now. I thought I would be sobbing but instead my tearducts are completely dry. What is wrong with me? I feel exactly the same as when I heard my sister died. No tears. Just stare straight ahead like a deer in the headlights. I feel like I should be feeling something. Some sort of devastation but I feel nothing. I'm dead inside and I don't understand. I keep thinking that I'm reacting in this way because I expected this to happen. But that just doesn't make sense either. I definately don't feel any shock. I knew this was coming I just didn't think it would be today. I wanted this week to be a good week. Last week was bad and now I get to endure one that is worse. Thank god I have a softball game coming up on saturday so I can take my emotions out then. I have a paper due tomorrow, which I haven't started and now I can't possibly concentrate. I just want to get in the bathtub and drown my sorrows. I want to sit there and feel nothing. Think nothing. Say nothing. Do nothing. Nothing.
But life doesn't work like that. I can't try to force my life to take a pause because there are no such things in life. It keeps going and it will force me to keep going. I know this is not the end of the world but it is the end of my world. The second ending to my little pathetic life. 5 years with one guy and just when you think you're getting closer to that next step you take 4 back. Maybe I set myself up for this. Maybe I knew all along it couldn't last like this. I can't allow myself to admit something that seems so false. It was real. He was my best friend and was there for me when I needed someone. We had fun and I thought we had a future. Funny how things work out isn't it? Nothing is for sure. I am officially back in the single world and I have no clue. I am lost. And I know I will get back on my feet... I know I will but I wont be able to handle him dating another girl when that happens. It will just break my heart into more pieces.
I have no other thoughts.
Stephy
But life doesn't work like that. I can't try to force my life to take a pause because there are no such things in life. It keeps going and it will force me to keep going. I know this is not the end of the world but it is the end of my world. The second ending to my little pathetic life. 5 years with one guy and just when you think you're getting closer to that next step you take 4 back. Maybe I set myself up for this. Maybe I knew all along it couldn't last like this. I can't allow myself to admit something that seems so false. It was real. He was my best friend and was there for me when I needed someone. We had fun and I thought we had a future. Funny how things work out isn't it? Nothing is for sure. I am officially back in the single world and I have no clue. I am lost. And I know I will get back on my feet... I know I will but I wont be able to handle him dating another girl when that happens. It will just break my heart into more pieces.
I have no other thoughts.
Stephy
Sunday, February 17, 2008
I've been floating in a haze
I was thinking the other night that I needed to get some things off my chest but I couldn't think of how to do that. I completely forgot that I set this up and I never use Xanga anymore so I was going crazy. I knew I couldn't post most of my thoughts on my myspace blog because they would read it and interpret my thoughts wrong or connect things to them that have nothing to do with them. Plus, I rarely use myspace so I had nothing. I try to write things out on word or on paper but they get lost and then there is no point in having written anything. I need to be better about writing more often. I used to do it all the time and then my life swept me away and I lost track of some things I enjoyed doing.
Now, with that in mind... on to getting stuff off my chest.
This past school year has been bittersweet. Everything has changed and I definately feel it has in a very positive way but unfortunately, it comes with a price. The guy i've been dating for 5 years now is slipping through my fingers. He has now graduated from college and is working full time in LA while I'm in SB struggling to finish school and find a straight path in my life where I will land on my feet instead of on my face. I don't know what I want to do after I graduate. I have no job or money right now so I'll most likely be moving back home to the bay area while he continues to work in LA. I just don't see how it is going to work with us and it hurts because I don't want to end things but I feel like I have to because it makes the most sense. We barely see each other as it is so once I go back home... it will be less likely that I'll see him even once a month. Besides, I'm tired of the fighting and the wierd grey area between us. Right now, I don't feel like we're a couple because he wont come visit me and expects me to come to LA on weekends. Then on my birthday instead of calling to say happy birthday he called to say he didn't get me anything... umm thanks. So in my mind, it's over it just hasn't been declared verbally. This sucks. I wont find anyone like him again and it just can't work right now. It makes my life stressful knowing i'll be thrown out in the dating world not knowing the rules.
Ironically, I live in SB where people don't date they fuck each other and move on to their next drunken conquest. I've never been into this lifestyle and I find it an odd way of living but whatever floats their boat. I guess I wont have to worry about finding a date cuz so far, only one of my friends has dated a guy and that did not last long unfortunately. It makes it worse that there are so many good looking guys and they could care less about who you are. All they care about is if you're cute enough and easy enough to give them what they want that night. It's annoying really. I keep asking myself if this really fulfills these people and I always come to the conclusion that there is no way they are happy like this. Sure, the guys can brag about the number of chicks they've scored with that year but that is a small compensation for ending up lonely every week. Maybe I'm too different to comprehend this type of atmosphere but I find it to be very immature and self-destructive. When I meet a guy I like to pick apart his brain and see who he is and if we have anything in common. I'm not gonna lie and say I wouldn't make out with him but I'm not into meeting people, holding a conversation just for the sake of hooking someone in and pretending to be interested in who you are just to get laid. It's counterintuitive. Why bother talking for those 15 minutes if it's a big waste of time?
One last thing that has irritated my lately is competitive people. It's one thing to be competitive in sports or boardgames and it's another to be competitive with your friends regarding everything else. Take my situation for example; I have been planning this "party" for my sorority for about a month now and two weeks ago at meeting this girl makes an announcement about her party (which is the same as mine! but changing the date). Everyone looked around confused because they knew I had been planning something and a few actually said something. I was livid because she knew as well so I don't know why she bothered. Anyway, I talked with her and I thought we cleared things up because she told me she would back off. Oh was I wrong. A few days ago she sent out an e-mail about the party and I flipped out. I have been putting all of my energy into this project and she's trying to destroy it. I called my friend who has been helping me all along and she told me some things that just made me fume more. This bitch (not my friend) has been going behind our backs and telling everyone about her party and trying to convince them that hers will be better. I talked to her with gritted teeth and asked her what the hell she was doing. At this point I don't want to fight because I've been sick and it's just not worth it. She is trying to divide our sorority and I wont let that happen because I'm not into that. If she desperately wants everyone to like her this is not the way to do it but I wont cause tension in the house and I wont perpetuate a divide. She just lost a few sisters and all respect from us though. I was warned by some people about her but I really did not think she would start shit with her sisters like this. She's being really shady and disrespectful and I don't handle that well. But I will say she messed with the wrong person. Because I don't let people get away with stuff like this.
Anyway that is my rant. Usually I am more upbeat instead of bitching about stupid problems that are so miniscule to life's more important issues but I needed to get this out...
Until next time.
Stephy
Now, with that in mind... on to getting stuff off my chest.
This past school year has been bittersweet. Everything has changed and I definately feel it has in a very positive way but unfortunately, it comes with a price. The guy i've been dating for 5 years now is slipping through my fingers. He has now graduated from college and is working full time in LA while I'm in SB struggling to finish school and find a straight path in my life where I will land on my feet instead of on my face. I don't know what I want to do after I graduate. I have no job or money right now so I'll most likely be moving back home to the bay area while he continues to work in LA. I just don't see how it is going to work with us and it hurts because I don't want to end things but I feel like I have to because it makes the most sense. We barely see each other as it is so once I go back home... it will be less likely that I'll see him even once a month. Besides, I'm tired of the fighting and the wierd grey area between us. Right now, I don't feel like we're a couple because he wont come visit me and expects me to come to LA on weekends. Then on my birthday instead of calling to say happy birthday he called to say he didn't get me anything... umm thanks. So in my mind, it's over it just hasn't been declared verbally. This sucks. I wont find anyone like him again and it just can't work right now. It makes my life stressful knowing i'll be thrown out in the dating world not knowing the rules.
Ironically, I live in SB where people don't date they fuck each other and move on to their next drunken conquest. I've never been into this lifestyle and I find it an odd way of living but whatever floats their boat. I guess I wont have to worry about finding a date cuz so far, only one of my friends has dated a guy and that did not last long unfortunately. It makes it worse that there are so many good looking guys and they could care less about who you are. All they care about is if you're cute enough and easy enough to give them what they want that night. It's annoying really. I keep asking myself if this really fulfills these people and I always come to the conclusion that there is no way they are happy like this. Sure, the guys can brag about the number of chicks they've scored with that year but that is a small compensation for ending up lonely every week. Maybe I'm too different to comprehend this type of atmosphere but I find it to be very immature and self-destructive. When I meet a guy I like to pick apart his brain and see who he is and if we have anything in common. I'm not gonna lie and say I wouldn't make out with him but I'm not into meeting people, holding a conversation just for the sake of hooking someone in and pretending to be interested in who you are just to get laid. It's counterintuitive. Why bother talking for those 15 minutes if it's a big waste of time?
One last thing that has irritated my lately is competitive people. It's one thing to be competitive in sports or boardgames and it's another to be competitive with your friends regarding everything else. Take my situation for example; I have been planning this "party" for my sorority for about a month now and two weeks ago at meeting this girl makes an announcement about her party (which is the same as mine! but changing the date). Everyone looked around confused because they knew I had been planning something and a few actually said something. I was livid because she knew as well so I don't know why she bothered. Anyway, I talked with her and I thought we cleared things up because she told me she would back off. Oh was I wrong. A few days ago she sent out an e-mail about the party and I flipped out. I have been putting all of my energy into this project and she's trying to destroy it. I called my friend who has been helping me all along and she told me some things that just made me fume more. This bitch (not my friend) has been going behind our backs and telling everyone about her party and trying to convince them that hers will be better. I talked to her with gritted teeth and asked her what the hell she was doing. At this point I don't want to fight because I've been sick and it's just not worth it. She is trying to divide our sorority and I wont let that happen because I'm not into that. If she desperately wants everyone to like her this is not the way to do it but I wont cause tension in the house and I wont perpetuate a divide. She just lost a few sisters and all respect from us though. I was warned by some people about her but I really did not think she would start shit with her sisters like this. She's being really shady and disrespectful and I don't handle that well. But I will say she messed with the wrong person. Because I don't let people get away with stuff like this.
Anyway that is my rant. Usually I am more upbeat instead of bitching about stupid problems that are so miniscule to life's more important issues but I needed to get this out...
Until next time.
Stephy
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