Beside Myself

My life got carried away this quarter. I started procrastinating early on because I just didn't like the classes I was taking and it eventually came back to bite me in the bum. I still managed to pull off good grades last quarter though I really don't know how I did it. The last couple of weeks of the quarter I did nothing but catch up work. I had papers up my butt and readings to do that no one thought I could actually get through. Well, I managed to do it all. Yay. That stress is over though so hopefully I'll have more time to actually sit down and bitch about things no one else really cares about.

On to the juicy stuff though. The last week and a half of the quarter were terrible for me. And this is beyond inner school stuff. I found out that my ex started dating this other girl. Worse yet he was set up... by one of our mutual friends! and even more mind blowing is that he started seeing her before we officially ended things. I was completely beside myself. I felt like I got hit by a massive semi and then backed over again. I confronted him about it and he denied he was dating this girl. He said they have been "hanging out" and that is all. Well, I did not believe it so I did what I had to do and found the information that I needed. I found out from an anonymous and close source that he was set up with her by this mutual friend and that he was quoted saying things like "thank you for setting us up, I'm so happy with her" "we're going really well thank you so much!" "I've never felt this way about anyone before" etc etc. He met her parents last weekend too. I was supposed to go down to LA before I went to San Diego and I was like oh how bout we hang out on saturday. He told me he had to work. Turns out he was meeting her parents. I confronted him several times and he told me he wasn't dating her. So my question is... how are you not dating someone when you call them pet names? How are you not dating someone when you say things like "thanks for setting us up" and "we're going really well" and "I've never felt this way about someone before"? Oh and not to mention the fact that he met the parents within a month... oh and he took her to a baseball game last night and sat in some expensive seats... oh and he told me he kissed her too.

This is all so fast. How could he move on like this after 5 years? How could he do this to me? How could he say that he's never felt that way about anyone before when I know he was in love with me? Is she just a rebound? Is he just in need of being with someone because he doesn't want to feel the pain of us not working out? I don't think I'll ever find out the real reasons why... and I really wish someone (preferably him) would tell me. He still denies that he is dating her to this very day. But I'm not stupid. I see the signs. I know. and it hurts me more than words can tell. When I found out all of this information I literally went comatose for a day. I couldn't do anything. I just couldn't function. All I could do was clean. and even then the thoughts were driving me mad. I know we aren't together anymore but he shouldn't be moving on so fast. Not after 5 years. I haven't been sleeping well lately either. I get woken up early in the morning from nightmares of this girl being with him. Every day I am haunted by the thought of him with her. I don't know what to do anymore. I try to divert my thoughts to other things but I can't. I keep coming back to the same horrifyingly depressing images of them and thoughts of them together. And yet there is nothing I can do.

I don't think I've ever in my life cried so much as I have in the last 2 weeks. My whole spring break has been busted because of him. My life has abruptly been turned upside down and drowned because of this. I'm a complete mess. I can't sleep. I can't think straight. Infact, I can't think about anything but about this. I can't even eat now. I try and then I feel nauseous and then I stop. My eyes are swollen from crying so much. My brain hurts and my heart has burst. It's more than broken. It's dead.

I've tried to explain to him why I'm bothered by this but he's persistent in moving on. I don't think he wants to admit to himself that he's hurting me immensely. He claims he doesn't want to but by lying to me and moving on so fast, he is killing me. Worse, he's torturing me. I don't like not being able to sleep. I don't like feeling like this. I don't like him dating her and I've told him that. It's futile though. He will continue to see her and my biggest fear is that he'll fall in love with her and forget about everything he had with me. I'm afraid I'll lose him as not only the only guy i've ever loved but as my best friend in the world. I don't think I can be friends with him right now. It just hurts too much but losing my best friend will make it even worse. I'm stuck in this black whole with no direction. I'm at a complete loss of everything; never felt so low. And what bothers me most is if he just admitted to himself and to me that he is dating this girl than I'd be more prepared to let it go. The fact he's hiding this from me and possibly from himself is so uncharacteristic.

I know I can't control him or stop him from what he's doing but I feel like it's all wrong. I just want to erase my memory at this point. I just want it gone so I wont feel the things i'm feeling or think about him with her or dream about him with her. I want to sleep. I want to eat. and I want to be free from the constant haunting of being immediately replaced by some stupid girl. I feel like maybe he never really loved me if this is what he is doing. But I look in his eyes and I know he does. Unless he's just extremely good at giving those looks but I know him. I know his eyes do not lie. I just don't want that look to be given to her at any point in time.

I just want the truth so I can be free. I want my life back. and even though I want him back I just want him to give me myself back. I'm at a loss of what to say anymore.