Back to freedom?

Well, it is officially over between us. I don't understand my reaction to this breakup right now. I thought I would be sobbing but instead my tearducts are completely dry. What is wrong with me? I feel exactly the same as when I heard my sister died. No tears. Just stare straight ahead like a deer in the headlights. I feel like I should be feeling something. Some sort of devastation but I feel nothing. I'm dead inside and I don't understand. I keep thinking that I'm reacting in this way because I expected this to happen. But that just doesn't make sense either. I definately don't feel any shock. I knew this was coming I just didn't think it would be today. I wanted this week to be a good week. Last week was bad and now I get to endure one that is worse. Thank god I have a softball game coming up on saturday so I can take my emotions out then. I have a paper due tomorrow, which I haven't started and now I can't possibly concentrate. I just want to get in the bathtub and drown my sorrows. I want to sit there and feel nothing. Think nothing. Say nothing. Do nothing. Nothing.

But life doesn't work like that. I can't try to force my life to take a pause because there are no such things in life. It keeps going and it will force me to keep going. I know this is not the end of the world but it is the end of my world. The second ending to my little pathetic life. 5 years with one guy and just when you think you're getting closer to that next step you take 4 back. Maybe I set myself up for this. Maybe I knew all along it couldn't last like this. I can't allow myself to admit something that seems so false. It was real. He was my best friend and was there for me when I needed someone. We had fun and I thought we had a future. Funny how things work out isn't it? Nothing is for sure. I am officially back in the single world and I have no clue. I am lost. And I know I will get back on my feet... I know I will but I wont be able to handle him dating another girl when that happens. It will just break my heart into more pieces.

I have no other thoughts.

Stephy